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The imaginatively titled Colon(y) In Space was the fourth serial stretched out to six parts of the programme lasting more than eight seasons, the British science-fiction-like Practitioner Who, first broadcast in 1971. Actually the programme itself began broadcasting in 1964, but here it was eight years and many main stars later and people were still watching this hokum for some reason. The plot marks the beginning of the show’s love of minors miners, although they’re the bad guys this time.

Trivia Hysteresis Edit

This story is the programme’s first off-Earth story recorded in color and the first time any companion had traveled in the TARDIS with the Doctor since The War Games (also not in color), which I know sounds like no big deal, but Barak Letts and Terrance “Big” Dicks were getting tired of mad scientist and alien invasion stories. Turns out the last time we saw an alien planet on this lame programme was the similarly quarry-dwelling The Krotons, and this one’s not even as good as that was, but has its moments.

Also more trivially, this story also introduced a new model of the sonic screwdriver unique to the Third Doctor, which I’m sure most of you own a reproduction of, sitting right there next to your computer.  Pick it up and point it at your screen now and make bzzt-bzzt noises to enable the added bonus material for this entry. In more trivial detail, the newest DVD version of this story restores something like four whole goddamn lost seconds containing two lines of dialogue that weren’t on the VHS edition, gadzooks!  Why are you holding on to that old clunky VHS player and those foggy tapes anyways?   You want even more trivial nonsense about this story? How about that during rehearsals for the first studio session, Jon Pertwee was ambushed by Eamonn Andrews, host of “This Is Your Life”?  Letts had lured him and Katy Manning out to a BBC parking lot, ostensibly to perform re-shoots for some of the location scenes when Andrews pounced. The This Is Your Life episode with Jon aired on April 14th and Andrews was released from hospital on May 23rd after recovering from the severe Venusian Akido beating Pertwee gave him after being surprised out of goddamn nowhere like that.

And finally, most trivially of all, the opening scenes of the first episode were adapted into a three-page comic strip in Radio Times and accompanied a short article by Russell Miller entitled Dr. Who Zooms Off Into Time Again.  Which would have made a simply smashing title for this story instead of Colonoscopy In Space, because this story was “the first time any companion had traveled in the TARDIS with the Doctor since The War Games” as I wrote above, which leads us into a trivia hysteresis - oh hell, now we’ll never get out.  Christ I hate trivia.

Critical Ignorance Edit

It’s been pointed out by the annoying members of fandom that this Doctor Who story is one of the first that’s obviously meant as thinly hidden social commentary — in this instance, about the dangers of giant lizards, even if they aren’t real.  Written by former Communist Party of Great Britain member Malcolm “Big Daddy Stalin” Hulke-Smashe, it’s been described as "unashamedly left wing", and “fairly OK even though it’s obviously political,” which it about right on both counts (but surprisingly not as “a bit too repetitive” which is also accurate; go figure).  Some people will also tell you, should you let them, that the story can be seen as a “western in space,” but no one really cares because westerns as a genre are deader than spats and Arrow collars or Doctor Who.  Anyways, Filipino Snottyfur says it’s not a western, so there’s that.  

I don’t agree with a quote that this story is “rather like watching socially-aware paint dry," but it’s too good a jab to not repeat, and to be fair, this is six parts instead of four.  Also, Filipino Snottyfur (always talking, our little Filipino) described the story as “the Doctor comes upon a situation and has to disentangle it not by fighting monsters but by sorting through ideologies. The climax is an argument over the inevitable arc of history and about how civilization works,” which maybe does sort of make it sound like watching that pant dry after all, I guess; having seen this story, I think Filipino was maybe thinking of another Doctor Who story anyway. I guess what all this means is that Colony in Spaaaaaace! ain't terrible nor GOAT, but works OK and will probably keep you entertained at least once, as long as you like minors miners. Jo is fun as ever although she doesn’t have a lot to do. Per-twee appears at points to be a bit more excited to be playing the part than he sometimes does (meaning he’s not very excited at all sometimes) and Roger Caesar Marius Bernard de Delgado Torres Castillo Roberto is his usual charming devil, having fun. But good god does this one need some trimming, it’s almost three episodes too long. Fine for wiling away a couple of hours, but pretty punishing to sit through to find something to write about.

Part One: Forget They Mention The Master During The First Minute, OK? Edit

Colony In Space starts with a very brisk fifteen seconds of exposition as some Timelords, disguised as boring middle-aged British BBC-level actors, discuss the Master, the Doctor, some doomsday weapon, and stuff.  Cut to the Doctor and Jo at UNIT where The Brigadier walks on to the warm applause of the studio audience and tells them he’s still looking for the Master.   The Doctor tells him to go blow and takes Jo inside the rather beat-up-looking Tardis for the first time - “bigger on the inside”, blah blah blah, you know how this bit goes.  One of the Tardis’ interior walls of “round things” is just a photo, look for this trick to return later. The Doctor and Jo promptly get shanghaied by the Timelords off to “outside the spacetime continuum”, which looks surprisingly a lot like a cheap video effect circa 1971.  Then they see a small greenish round blob-planet on screen which the Doctor can totally recognize by name cuz he’s just that awesome.  Next thing you know, they’re in the “Old Baal Clay Pit” which sound kind of dirty if you think about it (quarries often are, you know) and the story can really begin.  Remember about how I said this was the first alien planet we ever see the Doctor on in color?  Now think about what a British quarry looks like and realize just how trivial a distinction this is to make.  You’ll also realize that the excitement of “an alien world in color” was also lost on the director when you see the costumes (more on this later).

The BBC website describes this story by saying “A sinister alien quarry hides the most powerful weapon in the universe” which quite the droll jest old bean, I say, wot?! Ha ha good sir!  Seriously, fuck those guys, that’s not half as funny as they think it is. What is humorous is the mention of Tom and Jerry in the grainy photocopies of the story’s “original paperwork” posted on the Beeb website - I can totally see the Doctor whacking the Master’s face with a frying pan to a BOI-OI-OI-ING!! sound effect. That’s also pretty unimportant, so let’s move on after mentioning how this opening actually worked rather well (if a bit rushed) to get things going without any foot-dragging.  Also watch for this to return later too (just kidding).

A robot elephant wanders by unsteadily before the Tardis arrives, a fact which becomes very important.   By the way, the Tardis doesn’t fade in or out as it dematerializes, it just goes poof and pops in or out; this is also terribly important, so don’t forget it.  Jo has to take a second to comprehend she’s about to walk out onto an alien planet; the Doctor convinces her by putting on his awesome cape.  Outside, Jo finds a flower while they’re watched by a mysterious figure who kinda looks like a swampie from The Power of Kroll with a swollen face and the soundtrack synthesizer wanders the usual jarringly flat notes.  They get captured by some human colonists who’re bickering amongst themselves; some argue there’s a giant deadly lizard running around and others that the Doctor and Jo are agents for a galactic mining company that want their new world; maybe the colonists are David Icke fans, or maybe prepper-libertarians, it could go either way.  

Also worth noting, you can spot the colonists because they all wear 1970s brown while Pertwee’s rocking his black velvet jacket, ruffled tux shirt and cape with red silk lining, and Jo’s got a striped purple top.  No, wait - according to the Tardis Dunder Core, I’m wrong: “In the first episode… Jo is wearing a pink shirt with black stripes. Once they left the TARDIS… however, she is wearing a grey shirt with black stripes. When held hostage, she is wearing the pink shirt again.”  I may be wrong, or maybe my screen needs calibration, or maybe TDC needs to quit drinking while playing with their new Doctor Who Legos. Look, this isn’t even the real, original PAL tape of the story; the BBC wiped those and thought this story lost until 1983 when someone found it covered in maple syrup in Canada, so who knows how much the picture’s degraded by now?  Have you ever tried watching a second gen copy of a video tape on a high def screen anyways? It’s fucking mud.  

So anyway, the Doctor tells the human leader they’re all bad farmers, then the Tardis gets drunk and kidnapped by swampies. Jo is given soup and meets a young teenage girl almost as perky as she is and learns it’s 2472 A.D.  Just think, Jo ate soup that won’t be cooked for another 457 years!  Soooooup!

We spend a few decently-written minutes with a sad farming couple before they’re threatened and killed by a back-projected lizard on film stock.  The Doctor and the Lead Farmer rush off to check out the giant lizard attack while the soundtrack still sounds like something the Residents might have come up with.  The Doctor goes meta on us by using a bit of logic to point out that the giant lizard might be just a bad special effect.  The colonists bicker and the Doctor explains some stuff and they start to make plans when some other farmers bring in a ragged guy who tells them a bullshit story about being from another colony where everyone else was killed by the giant lizards and he’s the only one left. The Doctor and the leader-farmer go back to the scene of the giant lizard attack and surprise two swampies who are checking the place out. Farmer leader guy keeps them from attacking the Doctor and gets them to leave, then leaves the Doctor there to collect some evidence or whatever and the Doctor is attacked by an arm-waving robot who just wants to give him a hug.  

Ok, so I was kidding when I said that the way the Tardis was popping in and out rather than fading in and out was important, it’s only done that way because the director didn’t know it was supposed to fade in and out, ha ha!  Still, he went on to direct the Robots of Death so I think he’s earned our forgiveness at this point, only 38 years later.

Also, sadly they did not use a real live lizard for the fake giant lizard scene. A real live lizard could have provided this story with some excitement.

Part Two: Only About Three Minutes Of Which Actually Advances The Story Edit

After looking concerned for a half-second, the Doctor sees some 1970s guy walk in and control the robot.  This mustache guy works for the evil mining company and asks if the Doctor’s “some kind of scientist” to which based Perts says “I’m every kind of scientists [bitch!*] [*presumed to have been edited out].”  Mustache Company guy persuades the Doctor to go back to the company ship with him and drive his sweet ride.  Back at the colonist base, where it seems everyone has a mustache (even the women), the fake colonists lies out his shifty-eyed ass about the terrible thunder-blue-screen-lizards and swampies who turned on his friends, etc.   The colonists bicker a bit, the seeds of distrust sewn (unlike the seeds of food, which apparently die faster on this planet than a /who/ thread on a Thursday afternoon between series).   Driving the Mustache Company guy’s grey buggie around the grey quarry for a few minutes, The Doctor realizes the Tardis is gone.  One of this episode’s great twists comes when the camera zooms in to show us that the company ship is number 157 - mindblown.gif right? We meet some more company guys and the costume rule has now been set in grey stone: red and black - company hack, bland and brown - farmer clown.   Also, all the company guys comb their hair forward and down into a point on their foreheads, which is only slightly stupider than ST:NG’s “wrinkled-forehead equals alien” nonsense but definitely cheaper, so there.  The ship’s captain is evilly only concerned with profits for the company - can this show ever not be so relevant, even today?  Wow!  Aboard the company ship, the Doctor discovers the entertainment console shows nothing but old war footage - again, so true!  He must have been on the History Channel. Mustache Guy bickers with the ship’s captain until he sees how much money the BBC pays out for minor characters in a six-parter.  The Doctor gets a headache watching a science program about life on Earth which has worse effects and is even duller than Doctor Who itself.   The captain bickers with the Doctor who’s having himself a sweet 1970s SJW moment, then tells one of his henchmen to kill him using the robot.  Driving back in the cool buggy, the Doctor and the henchman run into some swampies who throw a spear at the Doctor when he gets out of the buggy to demonstrate proper Splink methodology.  He catches the spear like a bad-ass and the swampie looks at his hands in confusion as his pals attack.   The Doctor and the henchman get to leave after about twenty seconds of bad fight choreography and a four-minute lecture about Splink.   Jo stirs shit with the teenage girl and a farmer scientist is doing something with a swampie in his lab while another farmer guy gives a very informative tour of the base and its energy systems to the fake survivor guy, ignoring all the suspiciously probing questions he asks. Jo, cute as she is iif never the sharpest member of the cast, is somehow the only person suspicious about that guy.  Swampies appear to be psychic or some shit.  The fake survivor kills the swampie and the scientist in the lab.   The power goes out and the teenage girl says “Jim’ll fix it” which is amazingly not an annoying pop cultural reference to another terrible British televisual programme; turns out that programme wasn’t going to be on the air for another three years, so maybe a time traveling Hulke wrote this script? That particular accursed programme later featured Tom Baker (who played the Fourth Doctor) and Peter Cushing (who played an obscure character named “Dr. Who”), and also devised the totally super-canon Doctor Who story A Fix with Sontarans with Doctor Sixie being saved by a young boy, while also apparently functioning as a front for multiple counts of child abuse; so let’s celebrate it’s connection to our favorite show, shall we?  The BBC surely does, because they list the quote “Jim’ll fix it!” under the category “double entendre” on this story’s page in the Doctor Who section of their website - no shit! So anyway, it turns out the fake survivor has wrecked the power system too and shows it to Jo and the farmer leader guy while blaming the swampie. Funnily enough, the swampies don’t wear anything under their loincloths (much like Jamie never did, although we never saw that in color) and this one’s laying dead with his painted ass showing on television and no one seems to care. The fake survivor gives the least believable story ever, like someone from /pol/ sneaking into a /lgbt/ thread to talk about how untrustworthy M2Fs are.  

Well-Lit Butt

Even on a dimly-lit set, look how good the lighting was.  Oh those cheeky bastards!  Courtesy of the BBC (Bare Butts Channel).

Back at the company ship - which is still 157! - Mustache Guy and the Captain bicker about the usual crap in a scene that could have easily been cut, so OK, this story is a bit like watching paint dry and I’m only on part two so far.  Back at the farmer’s dome, the Doctor is threatened with death by the robot again, exactly like happened at the beginning of this episode. OH SHIIIII---!

Part Three: Making Up For Last Episode By Doing Too Much Edit

OK, so this time the Doctor escapes the robot and Company guard the best way possible: using his common sense and words, then opening up a can of Venusian Akido whup-ass for good measure.  I’ve seen scenes like this in other programmes and movies at least half a dozen times, “don’t move! now here’s my evil plan to make your death look like an accident!” which is always a stupid fucking plan because it’d be completely ruined if they find his corpse with a goddamn bullet hole in it.  But right here in part 3 of Colony In Space is the only time I’ve ever seen a character apply some apparently goddamn rare intelligence to this predicament.  I’ll admit the way it’s all staged here makes it almost feel a bit underwhelming as a cliffhanger resolution, but it’s an outstandingly smart moment for this notoriously stupid children’s program (and I say that as a fan of the show), so let’s celebrate what we can. Jo is stuck turning the crank and there’s no power and no Jim to fix it.  A screechy electronic whine sounds like company spaceship 157 landing near the farmers.  The captain lies to the farmers (“like watching socially-aware paint bicker”), then the Doctor shows up to fucking shut him down completely because he knows what’s going on. The farmers plan to send out a radio beacon saying “hey judicator, don’t make it bad, take a long show and make it better.”  The Doctor goes off to fix the power after Jo finds out he’s lost the Tardis.   So, things are looking up for the farmers’ side now right?  Wrong - fake survivor guy tells more of his bullshit stories about the giant space lizards, then radios ahead when Jo and a farmer sneak aboard the company spaceship to look for clues, so the captain has them captured and tied up next to some explosives in some old ruins just because he’s evil, to get the Doctor to not testify to the adjudicator when he shows up, but Jo manages to escape and accidentally starts the bomb ticking, then makes the farmer's chain break where she wasn’t pounding it with a rock, so he escapes but Jo is recaptured again anyway - at least the daring escapes are pretty swift this time, if not disjointedly too quick - and the escaped farmer gets chased through some quarry mud  and shot at by some company guards then saved by Company Mustache guy when he falls to his knees and screeches like a seagull, so the Mustache Guy uses his sonic screwdriver to take off the farmer’s handcuffs and asks him to get everyone to agree to leave the planet, but by then the escaped farmer is already back with the other farmers and and telling them what happened, so now all the farmers decide to attack the company spaceship. Christ, programme, stop for breath already! That’s exactly how it all felt too, even with the unnecessary moments of quarry mud-driving. The Doctor gets the Mustache Company Guy to tell his guys to release Jo, but the swampies kill her guard and take her away because the catch-and-escape demon at the heart of Doctor Who needs more blood sacrifice.  Suddenly, the Doctor and a farmer are sneaking past a photo of the quarry onto the company spaceship, using the teenage girl as distraction but not in the way you’re probably imagining. The farmers capture the ship in less than “3 minutes, forty seconds,”  but the captain tells them he has no idea where Jo is now. The Doctor and the farmer’s leader find Jo’s dead guard while the swampies lead her into a really fake looking cave opening.  The cliffhanger? The cave door closes. Sounds like shit got real up there, what with all that action, but really, things were a bit dull yet disjointed at the same time, giving us the worst of both worlds. And we’re only halfway through! Besides for the clear-eyed opening moment to diffuse the cliffhanger, little happens in episode three that’s worth its time other than the few plot points about the adjudicator being called and swampies capturing Jo, so when it was over I made this face --->   :/

Part Four:  Some Catch-And-Release, Some Gunfire - Oh, And Guess Who Finally Shows Up? Edit

The Doctor and the Farmer’s leader dude talk about buying Jo and the the Adjudicator shows up in a model that would embarrass the effects crew from Thunderbirds. The farmers who took over the company spaceship find the lizard projector and the fake claw. The swampies take Jo into the cave lair to meet a depressed-looking brain alien guy who has some tech. The company guys take over from the farmers who captured them and the Doctor meets up with some swampies and goes down into their cave door, which was actually fairly well integrated into the quarry.  

The adjudicator turns out to be - The Master! Good thing we forgot about him being mentioned in part one, what a tweest! Season Eight had the Master turn in up in every single fucking story (even once appearing in the background just to puff on his cigar and wave at the camera), so at least this time they made it almost something of a surprise, instead of the Doctor stumbling across something in the first episode and going “This seems odd.  Oh wait, - OK guys, c’mon, where’s the Master? He’s got to be around here somewhere, it’s Tuesday isn’t it?” Anyway, so The Doctor and Jo are reunited but trapped in this cave room and study some poorly-drawn Shrinky-Dinks that tell the story of the swampie race who, it turns out, were once a more advanced.  The depressed brain alien comes back and chooses to sacrifice the Doctor and Jo.  The Master/Adjudicator starts a hearing between the Farmers and the company guys but we cut away before anything important happens there. The Doctor distracts the guard by doing the same boring magic trick three times and then escapes with Jo.  One of the depressed brain dudes returns and touches the unconscious guard’s butt. The Doctor and Jo get recaptured not one minute later (sigh) and taken to a control room to meet a small puppet who sounds like those butt-head aliens from the first episode of the original Star Trek series.  The puppet tells the Doctor and Jo that they’ll have to be killed, but the Doctor argues his way out of it, even though Jo is “of no value.”  By the way, this underground alien cave technology place is actually fairly colorful compared to the rest of the story. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Master is beginning to make his final statement in the hearing and blinks when the Doctor and Jo walk in to point out he’s twirling a very large waxed mustache.  The Master suspends the hearing to do some catching up with the Doctor, convincing him to keep his mouth shut or face some adjudicator-based trouble in this part of space.  He goes back to the hearing and tells the farmers they’re bad farmers and to get the fuck off the planet. The company guys start drinking and bickering over how they won. The farmers bicker too, about either appealing or “capturing the I.M.C. men” (say it out loud), then decide to attack again while their leader tells a very interested Master about the ruined alien city and the Doctor and Jo eavesdrop. The fake survivor kills a guy who sees him use a company radio and gets kilt himself after pulling an Admiral Ackbar. The farmers and the company dudes shoot at each other and each blank fired makes little horizontal bands of color distortion pop up on the video; I love old video tape! The Master suddenly shows up from just off-frame to kill the Doctor and Jo with “stray bullets.” Some people have called this the greatest Who cliffhanger ever, but I’m not sure why.

Part Five:  Repetition Repeats Again Edit

This begins with the same over-twenty-full-seconds-of-gunfire from the end of last episode. The bit with the Master appears to have been re-shot (ha ha) as he emotes more this time.  The company ship captain drops his plastic gun and tells his men to also - farmers win again and lock up the company guys for what, the third time? The Master steps in and suavely asks to help the farmers if they’ll show him the alien city.  The Doctor tells them not to and the Master calls his bluff about the Doctor’s lack of credentials.  The Doctor lectures Jo about some recent continuity as the company guys leave the planet. The Doctor and Jo sneak into the Master’s Tardis (just like his but with some burnt out lights) and have to use the sonic screwdriver to find the glowing LED alarm beam, wasting about three minutes to get in, but it’s fun seeing Jo lying on the floor and wriggling, right?   Earth sends the company ship a teletype (ha ha) that says the Master isn’t actually the Adjudicator and they go back to the planet.  Meanwhile, the Doctor and Jo rummage through the Master’s filing cabinets (!) and Jo stupidly sets off the alarm that they just avoided a minute ago, alerting the Master; well, that’s Jo for you. The Master pushes the red button and gasses the Doctor and Jo.   We spend a full minute watching the company ship land only to then hear the ship’s captain say “we have no time to waste” when he sends out some guards, I kid you not. This whole sequence at about 11:00 or so is really pretty funny in its time wasting.  The Master wakes up the Doctor and he agrees to take the Master to the underground alien city.  The farmers bicker over the guns and that one can’t close the door when he leaves set. The company guards (re)take over a poorly-lit set and get their guns back.  Remember the gunfight at the first part of this episode?  So yeah, that again.  So the farmers who couldn’t get the guns the leader was holding in his office have to drop their guns when he gets captured, leaving me confused, but happy that another catch-and-release has just taken place; I’d love to count them all, if maybe I’d live to be a thousand years old. The Master has put the Doctor and Jo into some flimsy-looking tubes, then lets out the Doctor to lead him to the alien city, leaving Jo in her tube as a hostage; just before leaving, the Doctor drops his copy of a key to the Master’s Tardis on the ground outside. The company ship’s captain tells all the farmers to get back into their rickety old ship and leave, knowing it will blow up if they try it. The Doctor takes the Master for a drive in the Splink-mobile and the swampies pretend to be Tuscan Raiders while knocking over the buggy with a bouncing Styrofoam rock, miss-throwing a spear and getting shot by the Master, so they celebrate fairly unconvincingly; back in my day, being an alien native meant something: you really were a threat without having to rely on a puppet leader underground, but not these guys. The teen girl gets angry about the BBC special effects unit, yelling that “it was obsolete when we bought it!” The cave entrance is now on an indoor set and the Doctor has to find a way in, while the company guys try to get into the Master’s Tardis find the key outside on the grey-painted, sawdust-strewn stage outside. They get in, set off the Master’s photo-beam and his black-gloved finger laughably slowly descends towards the red button again.  

Part Six: Feels Like Part Eighteen, But Is The Last One Edit

Master Bored

Even Roger is getting tired of this one.

The Doctor kicks the Master to save Jo from being gassed just as they’re captured by the swampies. Jo tells the company guys where the Doctor and the Master got to, while the Master looks at the badly drawn alien Shrinky-Dinks. The ship’s captain again provides some good commentary by saying “things are going too slowly, get them moving!” The company mustache guy helps Jo escape. The Master explains the plot to the Doctor, something about stealing info from the Timelords about a doomsday weapon on this planet, left over from when hippies ruled the earth. They escape the aliens with a gas bomb the Master had. The farmers and the ship’s captain bicker. All the farmers get on their ship except for the trouble-making guy, who decides along with a lone company guard that the costumes were adding just too much color to this story, so they wrestle in some wet cement to grey everything down a bit - this isn’t watching socially-conscious paint dry, it watching socially-conscious cement set. Jo and Company Mustache Guy find the Doctor’s Splink-mobile then see the farmer’s spaceship, which reminds me of Dr. Zarkov’s rocket from the Flash Gordon movie, blow up in the air. Jo and Mustache Guy get so emotional you can hear their eyes go “shglurp!” or maybe that was the quarry mud. The Doctor and the Master find the weapon control room and the Master threatens to blow up Earth’s sun.  Jo and the Mustache Guy get inside the alien cave city, leaving Steve outside, looking sad.  The Master offers to let the Doctor join him at ruling the universe with the weapon, just like that time he gave the Doctor a Cyber army, but the Doctor tells him “no” but then appears to think about it for a second or two while we cut away to find out Jo and Mustache Guy are lost, which really advances the plot you guys. Seriously. Someone refers to one of the company buggies as a “space buggy” and they send guards out after Mustache Guy.  The Master and the Doctor bicker in an otherwise good scene before the alien puppet shows up again and the Master almost starts frothing at the mouth over the possibilities of the weapon.  The alien puppet turns down the Master and has the Doctor operate the self destruct, which creates an effect that looks a hell of a lot like “outside the spacetime continuum” back in episode one of this story.   The Doctor and the Master meet Jo and the Mustache Guy just wandering around and flee while the swampies stumble around. Part of the quarry goes boom and they all get captured by company guards. They tell the Master they know he’s a fake adjudicator and he whines that the Doctor has to do something.  Suddenly the farmers show up and start a third firefight, turns out they didn’t get on their ship and survived (except for their leader who piloted it till it went boom).   The Monty Python “It’s--!” guy fires a rifle and the Master sneaks away in the combat.  The company guards surrender and the Master’s Tardis dematerialized by going pop instead of fading away.   The Doctor tells the farmers that their crops will grow now that the alien weapon’s been destroyed and that it wasn’t due to their incompetence (I would dispute that but OKok).  The farmers find the Tardis and give it back but call him “Doctor What-Is-It” instead of “Who” and the Mustache Guy has decided to stay with the farmers.  The Tardis pops out and back to UNIT so Jo and the Doctor can make fun of the Brigadier.

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