Doctor Who is a fucking awful BBC television programme for children and I hate it. I say this as a true fan.
The ongoing adventures of the juicy alien time-twink known as The Doctor was first brought to the airwaves by a woman and a gay male director which should tell you a lot about the nature of the programme. The Doctor travels through time and space in his TARDIS raping companions and ethnically cleansing the universe. The show has passed through a number of distinct eras overseen by various showruiners who ruined the programme every goddamn time.
In the beginning Edit
The programme was first broadcast on November 23rd 1963. John F. Kennedy watched the pilot episode An Unearthly Child before anybody else. He thought it was so fantastic that his head exploded. The premiere had to be delayed slightly because of this unfortunate incident. When the show finally aired, it had to be broadcast twice because viewers thought it was intended as a joke.
However, British culture slowly transformed into a bunch of manchildren who eagerly waited for the next episode week after week. It's still going to this day, thanks to the repeating cycle of Doctor Who. And after all this time it's worked up some pretty deep lore and ostentatious obscurity, all of which may or may not be canon.
Doctor Who had its 50th anniversary in 2013, with over 70 million people watching the NuWho circlejerk The Day of the Doctor starring Matt Smith, David Tennant, John Hurt and Tom Baker but no goddamn Eccleston.
As of 2017 Series 10 of NuWho is airing featuring Doctor Number Twelve, and Moffat will be retiring after the 2017 Christmas Special and handing the reins to Chris Chibnall.
It's over, we're finished. We'll be fine.
Classic Who Edit
No point in explaining this. After all, it's not canonical.
In all seriousness, Classic Who is a fantastic journey for a large majority of it, if you can stand seeing short stories padded out to two hours. It is widely agreed that the only way to watch it is start to finish, skipping the missing episodes to pray to Philip Morris; the BBC, being known around the world as the worst corporation to ever exist, destroyed many copies of the original episodes. Marcelo Camargo and Ian Levine have made it their life goals to undo the BBC's shit, having sacrificed five BBC executives in a pentagram-shaped chamber as revenge. As retaliation, the BBC continued to slash the programme's budget and threaten it with cancellation until finally the show gave in. Camargo and Levine continue their crusade to this day.
First Doctor Edit
The 1st Doctor was an old fart played by William Hartnell. His first companion was his granddaughter, Susan Foreskin. He eventually abducted two school teachers, Ian Chatterton and Barbara Wright (hey, Wright, that's my last name!). A caveman was considered for the role of a companion, but the 1st Doctor attempted to bash its fookin' 'ead in. Eventually the Cybermen got the best of the old man and he was forced to regenerate because of sickness and old age. "Good riddance" is what someone with shit taste would say.
Second Doctor Edit
The 2nd Doctor was played by Patrick Troutfish. He was very refreshing in this role and was actually a good actor. He was much younger than Hartnell and did not suffer from AIDS or Ebola. The Second Doctor was known for his love of musical instruments and how much he didn't like the redecoration of various locations. Probably the first Meme Doctor in recorded history. Unfortunately, things fell through and he was replaced by Jon Pertwee after Pat was found dead in a dustbin.
Third Doctor Edit
The 3rd Doctor was played by Jon Pertweenie, a professional Splinker. The show took a drastic turn as the Doctor was isolated on Earth for a great deal of time. Interestingly enough, the show about time travel and visits to other planets somehow suffered a ratings drop during this time. The Doctor took up the hobby of teaching young children to SPLINK in order to pay for his rent at UNIT. The Mattress was introduced and became a common foe during the 3rd Doctor's reign. This Doctor finally met his end when he ended up on a planet full of fake-looking "spiders".
Fourth Doctor Edit
The 4th Doctor was played by Tom Baker, a Jew... not that this means anything haha. He was the most successful man to play the Doctor and managed to stay on the show for a very long time because of his connections (not implying any sort of conspiracy or anything here haha). Philip Hinchcliffe and Robert Holmes were the showruiners for his most successful time. The show has never returned to the number of viewers per episode to this very day (excluding The Day of the Doctor). Four died from a minor fall that he could have easily survived but decided he hated Adric so much that he was going to regenerate.
Fifth Doctor Edit
The 5th Doctor was very bland and played by Peter Davidson. There's really not much to say here because I fell asleep quite a few times whenever the 5th Doctor appeared. Most of his episodes were bad as well.
But Fivey is great so you better man up and watch everything you huge pussy. Reminder that bitches love celery.
Sixth Doctor Edit
The 6th Doctor was a terrible person, terribly characterized and terribly written, and was played terribly by Colin Baker. He is related to Tom, George, Bob, Pip, and Jane Baker despite what they all tell us. The BBC first attempted to cancel the show during Sixie's reign resulting in the 1985 hiatus and The Lost Season.
Seventh Doctor Edit
The 7th Doctor was the first manlet Doctor and was played by Sylvester "The Real" McCoy. He was pretty bad since he was a manlet (manlets, when will they ever learn?) but as soon as Ace arrived and the writing style changed, he was really fantastic. Cold and calculating, manipulative and mysterious. He was great in the role and his dynamic with Ace was great. Both of them were pretty bad actors but managed to pull it off and turn it into something really impressive. Still, the show got cancelled in 1989.
The Wilderness Years Edit
No point in explaining this. After all, it's not canonical.
The Wilderness Years are a mess, so a timeline is really the best way to show how things happened:
- 1990: Ace got McFucked by McCoy.
- 1991: Virgin New Adventures were good for the most part, fuck /who/.
- 1993: Dimensions in Time was the worst Doctor Who story to ever exist, shortly after the airing Jon Pertweenie killed himself
- 1993: Pietro Capaldini forms the Dimensions in Time fan club.
- 1994: Peter Capaldick brings Jon Pertweenie back from the dead with his Dimensions in Time fan club.
- 1996: Shitty TV movie is produced starring the BASED Paul McGann as the 8th Doctor.
- 1997: Eighth Doctor Adventures books were inconsistent shit with poor arcs and crappy companions.
- 1997: Sometime after the TV Movie airs, Peter Capaldick chains Jon Pertwee up in his basement. PCaps forces him to watch the shitstorm that is the TV Movie. Jon immediately dies of shame. Capaldi attends his funeral wearing his polka dot shirt.
- 1999: Sirens of Time is released. Most canon part of Doctor Who happens on audio thanks to Big Finish.
- 1999: Steven Moffat's super canon adventure starring Rowing Achingsun: The Curse of Fatal Death.
- 2000: Doctor Who enters the 21st Century. The Y2K Phenomenon causes McCoy to shrink five inches. All his episodes of Doctor Who appear even more based in retrospect.
- 2000: Most canon part of Doctor Who happened behind closed doors at the Worst Company Ever. You will never know what it was.
- 2003: The most canon Doctor ever is played by Richard E. Grant in Scream of the Shalka.
The TV Movie Edit
No point in explaining this. After all, it's not canonical.
Eighth Doctor Edit
There was for one night only, a TV Movie produced by Americlaps. It turned out to be pretty bad, but it introduced Paul McGann as the 8th Doctor. He is one of the four Doctors referred to as GOAT most often by /who/ (whose opinion has been known to vary and often be worthless). After the movie flopped, the show was dead again for almost the same amount of time as it was dead before. The movie also brought with it some continuity errors that were somewhat difficult to ignore but people do anyway because nobody cares about Burgerland. The Mattress was a snake now and the Doctor is half human. Moffat still wants to make the half human Doctor canon.
Ok guys this is super canon: Edit
NuWho: The RTD years Edit
No point in explaining this really. After all, it's not canonical.
Ninth Doctor Edit
NuWho is the latest incarnation of the show. In the early 2000s, Rusty T. Davies attempted to get Doctor Who back on air by sucking as many dicks at the BBC as he could. Finally, his efforts paid off and production began in 2004 starring Christopher Eccleston as the 9.5th Doctor. Rusty is also known for saving Big Finish Productions at this time. By promising to "deal with it later" and not mentioning it to a BBC executive who wanted to kill BF, Rusty managed to save it entirely. Things were not all good, however. While Christopher Eccleston initially enjoyed his role, a number of people on the production team and in the BBC abused the staff sexually. Eccleston did not look forward to the daily anal torture that he and his coworkers were forced to endure. In 2005, Christopher left, never to return except to say "fuck you" to the BBC.
Tenth Doctor Edit
David Tennis-Ant was brought on to play the 10th Doctor in 2005. Immediately, tumblr developed an unhealthy obsession with him that would top their dedication to anybody ever. Even greater than their love for Bennybunn Cucumberpatch or Footface. The 10th Doctor was in all honesty horseshit at his worst but officially better than Dimensions in Time at his best. Experts predict that only Big Finish could save his soul now. David Tennis-Ant left in 2010 in a shit departure inside of a shit episode.
NuWho: The Moffat years Edit
There's really no point in explaining this. After all, it's not canonical.
Eleventh Doctor Edit
Love for David Tenningfield was so high among tumblrtards and manchildren that he had to give an epic speech in his first episode just to say that "I am the Doctor". Immediately all but the most autistic of people loved him. There were a few teases that he might be leaving early, such as in Series 6 and Series 7, but he persisted until The Time of the Doctor.
War Doctor Edit
John Hurt was introduced as the War Doctor, a sooper-sekrit incarnation of the Doctor invented by Steven Moffat after he slept in too late for the board meeting and had to come up with an idea for the 50th Anniversary on the bus ride to work. Hurt appeared in a few episodes as flashbacks and with his only real appearance in The Day of the Doctor.
Twelfth Doctor EditPeter Lallawardaldi replaced Moot Smoth and became the 12th Doctor after he was found snorting coke in the dumpster behind Legendary Pictures. Originally hired to be Jenna Coleman's personal seat, he was promoted to playing The Doctor and Peter "Anaconda" Capaldi got so hype for Series 8 that the second he was hired he got into his car and drove to his old Dimensions In Time fan club from the 90s, accidentally hitting a raccoon with his car on the way.
Peter then broke into the The Day of the Doctor filming in McGann's basement to get his face into the 8th Anniversary Special for NuWho, afterwards he told some Romanian that he got the role before Moffat formally announced it.
This isn't really that canon but Clara got old and confessed her love for The Doctor turns out she was sleeping but she wasn't sleeping because she just woke up but there was still a time crab (see: time of the month) on her face when it was on her face while she was sleeping but wasn't actually sleeping because it wasn't on her face but she was awake to run away again with The Doctor when she finally woke up for real this time complete 100% truth until Clala clalaa clalalala clalaalal clalala clala clala claal clala a raven kills clala clala callaa clalalaa clalalala clalalalaal the doctor is confirmed half human. and thats series 9.