Fucking Drums

John Simm as the Mattress.

Laughing Masters

Laughing Mattresses.

Simm Master


The War Master


Moffat on the Master

Moffat on the Mattress. Wait, not like that.


The best incarnation of The Master

The Mattress is a mental patient Moriarty to the Doctor's Sherlock Holmes. A renegade Time Lord equal in ability and intelligence to the Doctor (at least until he/she had a knock on the head and lost the plot.)

Story Edit

The Mattress was created by Barry Letts and Terrance Dicks during the Pertwee era when they were down the pub pissed out of their minds (as usual.) Letts and Dicks were discussing how the Third Doctor was very Sherlock Holmes-ian when eventually they hit upon "What he needs is a Moriarty!"

Suddenly Roger Delgado appeared in a blinding flash of light sliding on a pair of sunglasses as a huge explosion went off behind him. He immediately cast himself for the part and Robert Holmes punched out the first Mattress story Terror of the Autons. The Mattress was born.

He was a pretty decent villain if I'm honest, or at least the Delgado/Ainley versions; dignified, elegant, quietly chuckling to himself while stroking his beard, and he was only evil for the same reason the Doctor traveled around - because he LOVED doing it, and that was all the reason he needed.

That sadly all changed when he was introduced in the RTD era, or as it should be named, the "fuck subtlety" era, where he turned into a raging loony who was motivated by the never ending drums in his head that he had apparently been suffering from enjoying getting sadist pleasure from his entire life yet had only just brought up now.

Current incarnation Edit

The Mattress's most recent incarnation is Missy Poppins, who was last seen committing whatever the murder version of selfcest is.

Character Edit

The Mattress is non-gender (and seemingly non-species) specific and has at various points been:

Companions Edit

Or more accurately, characters who the Mattress has kidnapped, raped, slaughtered, used or abused in some way:

GOAT stories Edit

These are the Mattress stories you should totally watch because they are 12 out of 5. Any not mentioned are probably dogshit except not really.


...What? Were you expecting something from NuWho? Pfft of course not, all Mattress NuWho stories are shit... Well, unless you count Utopia as its own story, in which case YES IT'S FUCKING GOAT....... plus

Dark Water......

And World Enough and Time.......

And The Doctor Falls.

Mattresses Edit

Actors who have played the various incarnations of the Mattress:

Robert Delgaydo: 1971 - 1973 Edit


Had a Green Cross Card into Jon's heart.

Peter Pratt: 1976 Edit

Geoffrey 'Mouldy' Beevers: 1981 Edit

Anthony Anally: 1981 - 1989 Edit

is dead.

Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Miller)


Gordon Nipple: 1996 Edit

Gordon Tipple Master

Flash Gordon.

Eric 'Always Drezzed for the Occasion' Roberts: 1996 Edit

Cucked the Eighth Doctor and slept with DOCTOR CHAAAAAANG.

The Master always Drezzzzed for the occasion

The Master always Drezzzzed for the occasion

Literally coming out of the closet.

Jonathan "The Pryce is Ryght": 1999 Edit

Derek Jacobisexual: 2003 Edit

Scream of the Shalka Master

Recorded a filthy outgoing message for the Doctor's answering machine.

Derek Jacobi again: 2007, 2017 Edit

Derek Jacobi Master

Goodness, is that the time?

I... AM.... THE MASTER. (electrocutes Chantho)

John Rimmjob: 2007 - 2010, 2017 Edit

Thumbs up the master doctor who


>hijacked TARDIS
>elected PM
>gets shot
>revived by some unnamed shitfucks because magic
>back to the time war he goes

William Hughes: 2007 Edit

William Hughes Master

The Shota Mattress.

Alex 'Pissy Biscuit' MacQueen: 2012 - 2016 Edit

Alex MacQueen Master


Michelle Gomez: 2014 - 2017 Edit


Missy, as seen in series 8.

Played Missy a shit. Move along.

James Dreyfus: 2018 - ???? Edit

First Master

Apparently portrays the very first incarnation of the Mattress. Not valid.

Gallery Edit