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"I wish Bernard was here."
"The British Rocket Group's got its own problems."
~ Remembrance of the Daleks

I literally can’t believe /who/ wiki is going to have to school you cuntwaddles on Professor Bernard Fucking Quatermass. Are you sure you’re a real Doctor Who fan? I mean really really sure? Cause this shit’s like basic bro - entry-level. Maybe you were looking for Tumblr and got lost. Ok, so for the slow children and TumblrTards amongst us, here’s the shit on our P.Q.

Without Professor Quatermass, there would be no Doctor Who.  No shit. And I say that as a fan of the show.  Edit

Don’t believe me?  Read this shit and then stand the fuck back. Edit

Background Edit

Created by writer Thomas Nigel Kneale (18 April 1922 – 29 October 2006), the character Professor Bernard Quatermass is a heroic, intelligent and highly moral British scientist and pioneer of the British space programme who continually found himself confronting sinister alien forces that threaten to destroy humanity. Sounding familiar yet motherfuckers? He’s been described as Britain's first based TV hero. His creator Kneale was later even asked to write for Doctor Who but he told the Beeb to fuck off, maybe for having totally nicked his shit, so who can blame him? He’s also quoted as having said "[Doctor Who] sounded a terrible idea and I still think it was," in 1986. Then again, Kneale’s shit was totally nickable and has given us fifty-one years of Doctor Who, so are we to blame the BBC? Oh, right, right...  

Similarities Between Doctor Who And Professor Quatermass Edit

  • Both characters have been portrayed by a number of actors.
  • Both television shows were serialized (at least the classics were) in episodes one half-hour in length.
  • The BBC idiotically wiped all but two of the six episodes of The Quatermass Experiment, the character's first story - those bastards strike again!
  • Both have only gotten two or three good stories, tops.
  • Here’s one of the biggest: “He’s a scientist who uncomfortably works within a military group and faces strange alien invasion-types threats to humanity every time we meet him.” Now you tell me you clueless tartwaters, is that a description of Professor Quatermass or the Third Doctor?  Exactly.

Differences Between Doctor Who And Professor Quatermass Edit

  • One had only a few stories about him, the other has too many.
  • One had too few good stories about him, the other… wait a second, I fucked this one up.
  • One is a time-and-space traveling alien with a magic box, one is not.
  • One is is sober and thoughtful, one is usually presented as annoyingly wacky and lolrandom

That's about it.

Quatermass

Professor Quatermass - "Is that a pterodactyl? What the blueberry muffin fuck?!"

Stories Edit

Professor Quatermass appeared in three you-better-believe-it fucking influential TV serials and two popular-as-blowjobs film remakes in the 1950s, another mind-blowing movie remake in the 1960s, one more not-so-great but at least new TV story in 1979, and finally one so-so tv remake (on BBC Four, ha ha!) in 2005.

TV Serials Edit

The Quatermass Experiment (195fucking3, ten years before Doctor Who began) - The story ran in six half-hour long parts and was about “the first manned space flight,” supervised by Professor Bernard Quatermass.  The spaceship and crew returns but two of the astronauts are missing while the third is all fucked up or something - some alien got aboard and possessed him. Quatermass and pals have to stop the alien from destroying the world. The Brits love for it demonstrated their inexhaustible thirst during the 1950s for anything televised in 30 minute segments, so another imaginatively-titled Quatermass story was made two years later...Quatermass II (1955) - Professor Quatermass is asked to examine strange meteorite showers and discovers a conspiracy involving alien infiltration at the highest levels of the British Government.  Also six episodes of a half hour each - starting to see the pattern here slowpoke?

Quatermass and the Pit (1958) - is best Korea, and was also shown in six half-hour parts. After making it though, Kneale said he was tired of this crap: "I didn't want to go on repeating because Professor Quatermass had already saved the world from ultimate destruction three times, and that seemed to me to be quite enough." And thus Doctor Who was  born!  Daleks ended up looking suspiciously a hell of a lot like the whatsit in the pit, when you think about it. The story's character Barbara (!) was swiped the character “Emma Grayling” (Jessica Raine) in the Doctor Who 2013 episode Hide. Hide is basically one long PQ lovefest if you know your shit and that’s not the only time Doctor Who’s done call-outs to PQ over the years, ho ho NO.  

Here’s a partial list of episodes: The Web of Fear, The Invasion, Spearhead from Space, The Ambassadors of Death, Inferno, The Seeds of Doom, Image of the Fendahl, Planet of the Dead, The Lazarus Experiment, blah blah blah on and on. And pretty much the entire goddamn run of the Third Doctor.

Quatermass (1979, also released overseas as The Quatermass Conclusion)  - The executive producer was I shit you not Verity Lambert. Kneale brought PQ back one last time after all and it was probably a mistake. I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard it’s not great - just suss this description:...set in the near future... young people are joining the "Planet People" cult and gathering at prehistoric sites, believing they will be transported to a better life on another planet. Professor Quatermass arrives in London to look for his granddaughter… and witnesses the destruction of two spacecraft and the disappearance of a group of Planet People at a stone circle… it becomes apparent that the Planet People are being harvested rather than transported. Professor Quatermass must devise a way to stop the aliens before many more people die. It sure sounds bad, but it sure as shit sounds exactly like bad Doctor Who, amirite?

The Quatermass Experiment (2005) - Remake of the first serial listed above, transmitted live as the original had been. Cast included - dayum! - Mark Gatiss and - HOLY SHIT - Dave Tennant! Turns out that Dave was working on this fucker when he found out he was going to be Doctor Ten no less, too - see?! The influence continues!! The DVD release apparently replaces the live broadcast fuck-ups with rehearsal takes, which sounds a shame.

Films Edit

Kneale never cared for the films much, except for the only production he actually did shit for, which was Quatermass and the Pit. I’ve seen them all but don’t remember much about any of them except for Pit which is fucking great.  

If you ignore all this other shit on this page, then do not ignore this: go watch the movie version of Pit goddamn it; if not, then go hardcore and watch the fucking TV version. Edit

The Quatermass Xperiment (1955) - Remake of The Quatermass Experiment with a stupid X-Men title change for Americlap audiences that can't spell anyways. It was the highest-grossing film Hammer had made up to that point and is considered the key British science fiction film of the 1950s.

Quatermass 2 (1957)  - Remake of the QII TV serial listed above. Quatermass and the Pit 1967) (released in the USAs as Five Million Years to Earth) - Remake of the TV serial but more watchable because this one’s in better condition, the pit whatsit doesn’t look like a gas tank and it’s in color to boot. It’s also creepy as goddamn fuck. The little Hobbs End goblin thingy was fucking creepy as hell looking, too. Kneale adapted his own script but sadly dropped the last scene that tied together the story’s theme, a theme that some fuckwits who mistake apathetic cynicism for astute wisdom (hello 4chan shitposters!) might consider dated or stupid. Such people accomplish little in life and end up mean and crabby with nothing to show for their bitterness.

Other Notable Kneale Stories Since I'm Already On The Subject Edit

  • The Stone Tape (TV, 1972, 90 minutes)  Not PQ related but it might as well have been, if PQ and everyone around him was basically a dick. It’s loud, cheap and stagy, so it really looks and feels like a Doctor Who story from 1972 except it’s about ghosts not aliens. Some actual ideas got yanked from this and got put into the Doctor Who episode Hide, mentioned above. Hide’s writer wanted to actually use the PQ character for that episode but couldn’t get the rights. Maybe he was just following Kneale's lead on theft - Kneale stole ideas from his own Quatermass and The Pit to use here but sadly accomplished less with them than he did over there. Still worth a watch I suppose.
  • The Year Of The Sex Olympics (TV, 1968, 103 minutes)  Also not a PQ story but how could I pass up mentioning that title here? Mary Whitehouse also tried to stop this production about a 1984/Brave New World dystopia-land and its reality TV show - written fucking decades before reality TV was even a thing. Kneale was a fucking genius I’m telling you! The descriptions I’ve read make it sound like this shit really makes you think, but I haven’t seen it myself.

There. Now you know all the fuck about Professor Quatermass. Also: babies come out of mommy’s tummy when daddy sticks his sonic screwdriver into her time vortex loom. Yes, even you came from her tummy, back when you were just a tiny little Time Lord!  Christ you're a lousy Doctor Who fan.

"You named a unit of measurement after yourself?"
"Well, it didn't do Mister Watt any harm. Furthermore, one hundred Malcolms equals a Bernard."
"And who's that, your dad?"
"Don't be ridiculous. That's Quatermass."
~ Planet of the Dead

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