Satan (aka. The Devil, Beelzebub, Belial, Lucifer, The Beast, the Valeyard, The Disney Corporation, Stan or Scratchman if you're an alcoholic like Tom Baker) is the ruler of hell and is portrayed by many religions, myths and cultures to be a supernatural male entity who personifies evil and is the enemy of both God and humankind. He is often voiced by Alan Rickman or Tim Curry.
The way Satan is presented can vary widely between an effective opposite force against God and as just a comical figure or abstract aspect of humanity, much like Edric (not Adric), metal fans or neckbeard fedora-tippers.
According to a handful of religions, Satan, not God, is said to be the creator of our universe that afflicts humanity with natural disasters, death and My Little Pony; the existence of Doctor Who showruiners would seem to bear this out. Every Doctor Who showruiner has demonstrably given evidence of being under Satan’s control at some point during their runs on the show, or have themselves functioned as the personification of pure evil once you see how the show has turned to shite if you have any fucking brains and aren’t like retarded or something.
In reality, Satan is but one of many alternate identities of Sutekh who, it turns out was just a cheap robot with disguise powers who was written out after only a few episodes during Fivey ’s run - or at least until the show returned in 2005 (not that any of NuWho counts as canon anyway.) Satan is canon though. This can all be easily inferred from the details given in the list below.
Satan has for some idiotic reason come up a stupid number of times on Doctor Who during pretty execrable episodes. Accordingly, several beings and groups were inanely suggested by various Doctors as a possible source for humanity’s myths about Satan:
- The first Doctor to have to put up with this shit was The Splink Doctor who thought that the SpeedDæmons, a horned race from the planet SpeedDæmos, were the inspiration for Satan, based on their frequent “street-crossing and road-accident” experiments upon unsuspecting people who were just trying to get across the goddamn street without being fucking killed by all these assholes driving on the wrong side of the road. The Driving Instructor also once clashed with The Sea Devils, but they weren’t actually demons or devils of any kind, just second rate Silurians.
- The Scarf Doctor believed that Sutekh had called himself several names in numerous places and times and was the source for mankind’s myths of Satan. The Silly Doctor spent a majority of the third episode of Pyramids of Mars crouched behind a bush with his increasingly bored-looking companion Sarah Jane while explaining his ridiculous theory. Doctor Jelly-Baby’s list of possible Sutekh aliases and where they came from included Satan (Earth), Stan (Space Station Alpha), Mœr-Faht (Wales), Vaal (planet Gamma Trianguli VI), USA The Great Satan (Iran), Big John Thomas (an old pirate legend), The Soup Dragon (a group of aliens known as The Clangers), Hobbs End (Hammer Studios), Mastrema (The Book of Jujubees), Pussy Master (often muttered to himself repeatedly at the club during ladies’ night), Raag, Na and Rok (planet Segonax) The Non-stop Boff-O-Mat (your mother’s bedroom), Darth Vader (a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away), Too Much Johnson (porn name), Barack Hussein Obama (Fox News), The Beast With Two Backs (Shakespeare), Michael Grade and Jimmy Saville (the BBC’s secretive underground worship and sacrifice chambers), Literally Hitler (promising England “I shall brew them a devil's drink”), The Prince of Darkness (the film “Love Actually”), The Great Bitch (The Non Canonical Bible’s fourth chapter), Kroll (third moon of Delta Magna), Tumblr The Idiot Babbling God (the intertubez), Hell On Wheels (Doctor Who Meets MadMax - The Ether Overdrive), Dick Cheney (the ‘Second Bush’ administration), 4chan (season three’s “Galaxy Four”), Old One (The Necronomicon), Old Roger (The Seed Collectors Of Dildous IV), Crazy Eyes (prison nickname), Heisenberg (meth-addicts in Albuquerque New Mexico), The Honey Badger (native to Africa, Southwest Asia, and the Indian Subcontinent), Old Horny (or in the Scottish spelling, ‘Auld Hornie’ ha ha ha ha ha!), The Old Pole-Smoker (third stall in the men’s room of Charing Cross Station), The Second Law Of Thermodynamics (atheism), Vlad The Implier (you know where), Chuck (comic book store), Arby’s Roast Turkey Ranch & Bacon Sandwich (™), The Old Enemy (Gallifrey), Michael Bayzelbub and Shia LeBeoufomet (Hollywood), Old Billy / Auld Cloots (or ‘Clunes’; Portwenn), and several others, including - most mysteriously - Sheldon (The Big Bang Theory). After rattling all that off, the Doctor began to also explain about how he half expected the names “The Master” and “The Rani” to be related as well, but Sarah cut him off by stamping on his foot and giving him a cute pouty-face. She was always so adorable!
- Doctor Cricket was accused of being a demon himself in the story The King’s Demons, but was able to prove that he wasn’t and that Satan was just a poorly made inert robot who could assume any disguise. Satan then turned up in only two more Doctor Who stories, both times depicted in his true form as the disguise-robot who mostly just sat in a chair. Once written out of the series, Satan as a story theme wasn’t reused until the series returned to the airwaves in 2005.
- The Beast told Doctor Sandshoes that it was the origin of Satan and all similar entities on all worlds and that it had existed even before the universe was created. Sandy then trapped The Beast inside a black hole and told it that he was sorry, so sorry. When you think about it, trapping The Beast inside a black hole shouldn’t really be an effective prison for something that predates the universe and is therefore somehow more powerful than anything within the universe right? I mean, would you expect to be able to trap God inside a black hole? Then how would it work on Satan? Maybe if you were God and made it a “super-Satan-holding black hole” or something else hugely retarded - but enough about Rusty. The same Weeping Doctor also said that "more religions than there are planets in the sky [a stupid hyperbole by the way]" had devils, also known as beasts, including the Arkipharts, Quoldonity (christ Rusty), Christianity, Pash Pash (da phuq?), San Klah (goddamn Rusty is just name-dropping a bunch of undefined terms now to make things sound all fucking cool when they’re really just fucking nothing) and - hell, am I reading this one right? “The Church of the Tin Vagabond”?! Fuck Rusty and his made-up but never developed shit; it’s the Shadow Proclamation and the Nightmare Child all over again here innet?
Sandy later had to become the Jesus Doctor to keep The Beast from returning, I guess.
- And what with "the devil" trapped inside a black hole, hopefully this will put this stupid story idea to bed and we’ll never have to see it come up again. It’s like something from a bad classic Star Trek episode.
- Le Fezzler never met any version of Satan; he did once visit a place called Demon’s Run hoping to bang Amy’s daughter, but there were no demons there and very little running to be had. Also no banging.
- Doctor Basil John Disco Funkenstein met Dyslexic Satan, who found Clara near the end of her life and bowled a magic tangerine at her to force her to live the whole fucking thing over again.