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Snakedance

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-FUCK YOU THIS EPISODE WAS GOAT AS FUCK YOUR OPINION IS DIFFERENT THAN MINE Flash-Dance was the exceedingly boring second serial of the exceedingly awful 20th Season of the exceedingly tiresome programme Doctor Exceedingly Fucking Who. It stars Doctor Celery, Airline and Pissa and thank god that Adric was dead by now. I've never been a Fivey fan but thought I'd give this one a shot because why the hell not and it turns out I was exceedingly wrong to have done so.

Fair warning from another anon(tripfag) who didn't create this article: If you haven't seen Kinda, this story might make no sense and you really should avoid it. If you have, then give it a shot.

I don't know if it's a problem all the fucking time during Doctor Blond's run, but this story really suffered from crap editing. Every minute and a half or less the story is cutting away from one group of characters to another whether the previous scene was actually done or not, then cuts back again for no goddamn reason within another minute; without such cutting, we'd have been even more bored I suppose. As usual, this Doctor is barely able to accomplish anything on his own, but is surrounded by other actors with no screen charisma to make him look good.  

It all takes place on some planet ruled by a space federation or people from the future or something - nothing's really ever spelled out so if they don't give a fuck why should I? And why is the Doctor's hair semi-short during the intro credits but longer in the rest of the story? These are the sorts pointless ruminations that wile away the time with while watching this story. My reactions to it are about as fucking a pointless read as the story itself was a fucking watch, so feel free to skip 'em and just go down to the tl;dr section after finishing this paragraph. The fact that I couldn't wring much comedy out of this story should tell you something:

  • you could skip this story completely and only miss out on fuck-all, and
  • not every story was or is worthy of being four sodding parts long!

For all his faults, Rusty knew this and was probably thinking about lazy stories such as this one when he decided the revived show should just be hour-long stories instead. You think you hated a lazy River Song story on screen for an hour? Try two. Or try this story, Snakey-Wakey! Or don't!! See if I care.

Part 1 Edit

Some old guy sits in a desert, Nissa tries on some drab clothes and the doctor says Omega is probably dead, which is fine by me. Tegan masturbates in her sleep then screams. Doc Marten is bored and looks like a gay pirate handling his snake while Fivey is a bit of a dick to Tegan about her masturbation dream.  Doc Marten, his mum and another guy or two walk into a cardboard set that looks like Vaul from Star Trek and someone literally says “I’d forgotten how impressive it [meaning 'this laughable cardboard cave'] is.”  Tegan walks around under hypnosis and thankfully keeps her annoying mouth shut a lot of the time, Christ her voice was awful. After losing each other and running about, Tegan is possessed by the ebil snake thingy called The Mara.

Part 2 Edit

Tegan has mood swings and everyone splits up which is always a good plan when you editor is an idiot. The Doctor talks to an archeologist while Tegan checks herself out in some vagina-snake mirrors and sees a talking snake skull.  Some expository dialogue later, Tegan wakes up with a bad-ass snake tattoo on her arm and gives one to Doc Marten who thinks it's pretty funny.  Some old guy sits in a desert then Tegan’s eyes glow and presumably the one guy is going to be dead next episode.  Not a lot is going on here and my hopes for the story's back half is nonexistant.  Time for more wine!

Doc Marten

Holy shit, you're Martin Clunes! Did you know Petrol Caplidish modeled his Doctor after your Doc Marten show?

Part 3 Edit

So the guy who saw Tegan's eyes glow red was "no longer necessary" but he doesn't die, not in this scene, this episode nor this story - that's the fucking story of Doctor Who!  A Mara-themed "Punch and Judy" puppet show eats up a few minutes of screen time while some old guy sits in a desert.  Tegan’s snake tattoo becomes an inflatable rubber dildo and the Doctor is still sitting in jail somewhere; Nissa tries to rescue him and ends up in jail too, goddamn it.  They take a minute to even run down a few corridors before Nissa screams and the episode ends. Do people really like anything JNT made? Didn't I at some point? Or was that just my imagination?

Part 4 Edit

At least the Doctor isn’t sitting in prison like he did for the last two episodes.  Another shot of the old guy meditating still without offering us any development or reason, other than to remind us he exists and has desu ex machinca written all over him.  Doc Marten looks even more gay once he dresses up for the ceremony.  The old man finally shows up in the story to offer the Doctor some drugs; I think he was played by William Burroughs.  He and the Doctor both lick the snake, trip balls, and get all psychic and shit. My second glass of wine is gone and I am sad. The great pink snake approacheth!  Some ceremony nonsense doth eateth up another few minutes of screen time!  I wished I had closed my eyes and remained pure, asleep!  Everyone gets a migraine and falls down when the Great Crystal or whatever is put back into the Great Socket on the Great Wall of Giving No Great Fucks and Tegan shows off her rubber dildo which swells up even more.  Tegan’s face appears in the snake’s mouth and the snake dies while vomiting pink!  The old man smiles and leaves and everybody wakes up all ok and it's all over. 

William Burroughs

"You can't fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal." - William S. Burroughs. Applied here, it means this story is like finding three-day-old Taco Bell at the back of your fridge: you can eat it, but you'll be sorry.

tl;dr Edit

Doc Marten looks gay and/or silly while Tegan is possessed by a snake thingy and then they defeat it. Fivey is boring, but I like the actor and his portrayal of the Doctor himself, even if few or none of his stories are any good.

2deep4u Edit

I loved Kinda, and Snakedance was one of my favorite serials in Doctor Whatsit. Maybe Fivey is just heading related.

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