|“||Abuse your power and start abusing it now.||”|
— Steven Moffat giving tips for writing. I'm not joking. Here's the link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03fgrbt
Moofat was born 18 November 1961 as a human female with hints of turnip heritage. At the age of 13 he had a sex change operation making him the youngest asshole to successfully change gender. When asked about the decision to change gender, Morefat said, "Gender isn't a thing. If I want a dick, I can have a dick; if I want a pussy I can have that too. If you think there's a difference you're retarded, m8."
His archenemy is Lawrence Miles, who has sworn to use everything in his power to destroy Moffat's legacy, or will when he remembers to take his autism medication and then finish off jacking it to Bagpuss.
Moffat was born in Paisley, Scotland, which would later influence his decision to write shit Doctor Who stories. He attended Camphill High School, where he was subjected to sexual abuse on a daily basis. In the 2009 autobiography BRAVO MOFFAT: The Showrunner with the Shit-Eating Grin, Moffat talks at length about his abusers – female teachers who "just wouldn't let the sperm come out". It is notable that he discovered Doctor Who during this period, which famed scholar Frank Cottrell Boyce connects with Moffat's tendency to repeatedly use the domineering female archetype in works of fiction.
Following his secondary school education, Moffat scooped Peter Capaldi's semen from his own wife's vagina for two years in order to fund a degree in English. After graduating, he worked as a teacher of his future Doctor Who story arcs for three and a half years at Cowdenknowes High School, Greenock, where student complaints about an abundance of plot holes ultimately resulted in Moffat's dismissal. Unfazed by the objectively poor quality of his own writing, and now determined to ruin Doctor Who for everyone, Moffat went on to practice as Jimmy Savile's apprentice for a year so as to gain employment at the BBC.
Work on Doctor Who Edit
To the best of anyone's understanding, Moffat began writing the show during the Russel T. Davies years. He started out writing GOAT episodes which would later devolve into Internet memes spouted by NuWho fags and autistic people. But after the republican army of /who/ rose up and invaded Wales (to which the British military did not retaliate), The Davies stepped down as showruiner; his five years of darkness finally coming to an end. The next heir in the Showruiner bloodline was none other than Moffat himself.
In present day, Orwellian brainwashing and ISIS: English Edition has ensured that Moffat's career goes uninterrupted; the only opposers being the Sisterhood of Tumblrtards. Though no one listens to Tumblr.
Moffat revealed in a leaked radio interview (which was later taken off the air) that him and Karen Gillan had been fucking ever since she joined the show to this very day, as part of their long-running contract. He later admitted to ripping up the contract some time ago.
Steven Moffat has frequently expressed his opinion on the website Tumblr, and in a Radio Times article he is quoted:"I’ve been on Tumblr once a while ago and it seems just to be a place where people who really want to kill me gather," he joked. "I don’t know why that put me off..."
Steven Moffat's hair (often called Brilly the Butcher) is of unknown origin. Sometime around the 1980's it attached itself to Moffat's once flowing golden locks that could make any woman cum. It is currently theorized that it's an entity from the 8th dimension of the Brillo race, Whether or not it's currently controlling him is up for debate.
Smallfat is Moffat's alter ego, a repressed personality who emerges when his episodes rate lower than 8.8/10 on IMDB. While Smallfat is the product of rage and deprssion, it's not quite clear how he himself behaves. Some accounts have said that Smallfat is like a vengeful god, others have said he's rather nice to have over for dinner (provided the food is cut into small pieces).
- Fascinatingly confident, rude people are great.
~ Explaining why every protagonist he writes is either himself or himself with breasts.
- I never go online. The Internet stuff is bonkers. You must not look at it.
~ The scars of Rec.Arts.Doctor.Who never leave you.
- I write the kind of stuff I'd like to watch.
~ That explains Let's Kill Hitler.
- I masturbate in closets while pie is cooling.
~ Honestly, this is pretty straightforward, I don't think any of us can really argue we don't.
- I will erase you from Doctor Who.
~ A five year old Steven Moffat in a letter to Patrick Troughton
- I had this baffling idea that if we just threw open each part to everybody, it would all work out in the end. I put my faith, inexplicably, in the free market. It doesn’t work. You can only cast for talent – you’ve got to cast the best person, every single time – but you’ve got to gauge where you’re looking for the talent.
~ Describing his conversion to political correctness.
Gallery of Moffat stroking imaginary dicks Edit
Criticism from April 2013Edit
A supposed inside source in the BBC released a blog post on April 30th, 2013 detailing the production drama taking place within the BBC concerning the popular BBC drama Doctor Who.
In the article, the anonymous insider claims that Moffat is a man who is "tyrannical and ruthless" and may even cause the end of Doctor Who (GASP!!) at least for the time being. The laughably unrealistic article, including errors and preposterous claims, goes as follows:
- Trouble In Cardiff
- I have stayed quiet for too long on this, but as a dedicated fan of Doctor Who I feel it is my duty to inform the world of dear fans out there about the trouble that is not just brewing in South Wales, but about to explode like Vesuvius on Volcano Day.
- It is with a heavy heart that I say the man that everyone thought would be the saviour of Doctor Who, Steven Moffat, looks like being the man who may actually end it.
- Moffat's chortling friendliness hides a man with few friends and growing enemies. It masks a man who is tyrannical and ruthless, who is bad tempered and rude. It shields a man who's [sic] personal life is as in much disarray as his professional one, but that is not something I will go into here in great detail.
- The BBC are desperate to keep a hold of Steven Moffat because, whatever the fans and critics say about Doctor Who, he has delivered them huge ratings, and with that he has delivered them huge profits, in merchandise and overseas sales. He's also created another worldwide hit, Sherlock.
- The problem is that Steven Moffat knows this, and has used it to become almost meglomaniacal [sic] in his approach to Executive Production. The result is Cardiff in meltown [sic] and the series of Doctor Who floundering on the edge of said volcano.
- Problems fly around the Production of Doctor Who like a blizzard. Here is what is wrong:
- - An inability to work with the BBC on an executive level, leading to rows with other producers
- - An inappropriate working relationship with Caro [sic] Skinner, leading to a public row and her ousting.
- - Senior BBC officials taking a hands on approach to the production after an internal scandal
- - A huge and antagonistic falling out with the series leading man, Matt Smith, about the treatment of former Doctors in preparation of The Anniversary Show. Smith was furious that former Whos were not informed of Moffat's intentions.
- - An intense and paranoid jealousy on Moffat's part on the success of Russell T Davies. Moffat does not have the same carte blanche Davies had on the series franchise - with things like The Sarah Jane Adventures and Torchwood outwith his remit.
- - Moffat's anger at not being allowed to create his own spin off series.
- - Skinner and Moffat's alleged rudeness to Christopher Eccleston's procrastinating which lead to Eccleston refusing to do the Anniversary Show at the eleventh hour (excuse that pun)
- - This will be reflected in the Hurt character
- - Moffat has been offered a position AWAY from Who for the eighth series and has refused to go.
- - Moffat was seen kicking a dog's face off, and the BBC are covering it up. Mark Gatiss has threatened to go to the press about it, and Moffat is having to commission scripts from him every year to keep him quiet.
- - The eighth series is ONLY being worked on by Moffat, but NO ONE ELSE including the BBC will commit to it after Christmas.
- - The BBC DO NOT want Moffat to continue. He is refusing to budge.
- - Huge budget cuts in series 5 and 6 meant that Moffat's original plans had to be curtailed half way through production. This lead to confusing story lines and continuation arcs.
- - Big named writers where [sic] dumped at the last minute.
- - Moffat directly responsible for the split seasons and, worst, the dumping of EIGHT half written scripts.
- You may ask yourself why this is important information. It is important because, as of writing, Doctor Who seems unlikely to return in its present form after Christmas. Moffat's plans are not those of the BBC. They may well lose Matt Smith and Jenna Louise Coleman who have committed but on a pro-rata time scale.
- If these issues cannot be rectified - and soon - Doctor Who may go into a semi-permanent hiatus, and return as a series of TV Movies or extended episodes once every eighteen months.
(All of the above proved to be true and our hatred for Moffat has only grown since. A Kickstarter campaign to hire some Sicilian mafia hitmen to kill Moffat has so far garnered over £500.)
Moffat's Incendiary Comments Edit
Steven Moffat is one opinionated bastard. This stark fact has been incontrovertibly documented as far back as the 17 of January in 1996 when, in what was described as “an alcohol-fueled, wildly rambling discussion / debate / argument” with Andy Lain, Paul Cormell, David Bishop and himself, he scurrilously slandered the programme he would later come to write for, produce, promote, and ruin, Doctor Who. A transcript of this discussion still exists online despite the murderously proficient BBC ninjas and can be currently found on an obscure “kiwi” Doctor Who fan website easily located with the most rudimentary online search tools and skills. The relevant (i.e., most embarrassing, if not indeed also the most amusing) moments of the discussion are presented here in edited form to allow future Moffat detractors to scan quickly for ammunition, because the original website is quite primitive (probably older than some reading this entry) and might very well be erased from Doctor Who fandom once its hosting server (a discolored Dell running Windows 98) starts the inevitable fire inside its dank basement closet where it’s been running nonstop since the Paul Keating administration. Removed sections of comments are marked by ellipses (“...”), while a number of included annotations of admitted bias have been [inserted thusly] to clarify and highlight the exhibited hubris. Moffat has refused to address the continually-simmering controversy his comments flowered into since assuming the role of showruiner; he has been repeatedly quoted in the national press as threatening to “Brillo bloody” with his hair anyone daring to broach the topic in his presence. Instead he now faithfully follows BBC policy that Doctor Who is and always has been an unrivaled programme of astounding caliber ever achieving higher peaks of unimaginable artistry, that every member of its production team from the most menial of fluffer and drug mule to the mystic visionaries atop the creative apex have all, to a man, woman or transgender companion, put such mighty forth herculean efforts as to cause crews on lesser, base productions to hang their heads in ignominy, etc. etc. etc. Clearly none of which is true, but since achieving the “head cheerleader” status for the programme, Moffat has put his fat mouth to good use pleasing the entire creative team both past and present, even managing to say pleasant things about Colin Baker’s era with a straight face. His true feelings however may still be detected lurking within his ongoing efforts to create a more mature and entertaining (for once damn it) production than it has been in it's past, striving to rise above it’s sad history of second-rate character actors bungling tepid lines and blowing cues on cardboard sets; of course, Moffat’s achieved nothing more than further damage in his vainglorious quest.
Perspicacious Doctor Who scholars may note a disturbing similarity between the general tenor of this discussion and that commonly found in the /who/ generals, which may lend credence to the rumored and possibly fraudulent Moffat sightings on /who/. Might this smirking and disagreeable Scot be one of us? If so, should he ever cut out all the damn Jenna Coleman “my waifu” threads already, then there might be room in our hearts for forgiveness. Maybe.
Historical Shit About The Commenters That You Might Not Know
In 1995, Steven Moffat was about 34 years of age and already a known writer for telly, nominated for four different awards, and who had managed to scrape together enough bribe money to win three of them. He was no doubt a clever and self-impressed writer of such Doctor Who fanfic, which at the time was awash in writers attempting to be “edgy,” just like literally everyone else in the 1990s; remember, this was the period that saw the word “extreme” applied to the products of large corporations such as diapers and denture cream. Moffat no doubt considered members of the surviving cast and crew irrelevant and never expected any of them to pay his words any mind, much less giving any thought to the chance of having to face them once his words were made “public” in some ratty ‘zine’. The programme Doctor Who had been cancelled six years previous and showed no sign of regenerating other than for the regrettable line of unimpressively-selling novels.
Paul Cornell needs little introduction to readers of this wiki, having written some of the worst episodes of the revived programme in addition to a number of Doctor Who stories of questionable canonicity in other media. Andy Blane, an obscure writer who has dabbled in apocryphal Doctor Who stories before being forcibly removed by the BBC, currently resides in the same circle of fan hell that contains Ion Levine.
David Bishop is either an even more minor writer who did some old non-Doctor Who Britty comics and then some stuff on telly that I’ve never heard of, or is perhaps a fictional character from the Australian soap opera Neighbours, played by Kevin Harrington; his name’s too common to Google easily, sue me. It may be argued that none of them escape without embarrassment, but Moffat fares the worst as he’s the only one of any importance these days.
The Discussion Edit
Paul: (to Steven): How many of the New Adventures have you read?
Steven: I've read quite a few but not so many anymore. [No fault or blame can be found with this statement.] There's 24 of them a year, that's too bloody many! I've never wanted 24 new Doctor Who adventures a year in my life. Six was a perfectly good number. [Moffat may have already suggested that the BBC cut back on its modern publishing ventures by now, I’m sure.]
David: But Doctor Who was on 46 weeks of the year in the Hartnell era...
Steven: Yes, but did you see the pace of those shows? They were incredibly, incredibly slow! Really hideous. I dearly loved Doctor Who but I don't think my love of it translated into it being a tremendously good series. It was a bit crap at times, wasn't it?
Paul: Steven has pointed out in the past there's a certain nobility about Doctor Who as 'classic children's serial' and kitsch, deep camp.
Steven: If you judge on what they were trying to do - that is create a low budget, light-hearted children's adventure serial for teatime - it's bloody amazingly good. If you judge it as a high class drama series, it's falling a bit short. But that's not what it was trying to be.
Paul: Fanboys put Doctor Who up against I, Claudius. There's a certain macho quality to a lot of fan recognition of the show which says 'Yes! It's up there with Shakespeare'...
Andy: Come on, if you put it up against I, Claudius, there are amazing similarities. I, Claudius took place entirely on studio sets, everyone wore stupid costumes, talked in mock Shakespearean speech… [It is believed by BBC experts that this comment lead to Lane being erased from Doctor Who, as the BBC remain inexplicably proud of that creaky production.]
Steven: And it had a brilliant script and a cast of brilliant actors. These are two things we cannot say in all forgiveness about Doctor Who. There have been times when some people have thrown doubt on the quality of the dialogue. Much as I dearly love it...
David: You're willing to recognize its limitations?
Steven: Yeah. I still think all the Peter Davison stuff stands up.
David: I'm sorry but I hated the Davison era. [It is believed by fandom experts that this comment lead to Bishop’s banishment to the Land Of Fiction, as the fans remain inexplicably proud of that creaky production.]
Steven: How could you? I'm talking retrospectively now, when I look back at Doctor Who now. I laugh at it, fondly. As a television professional, I think how did these guys get a paycheck every week? Dear god, it's bad! [This coming from the man who created River Song, wrote the Silence story arc, OKed Matt Smith’s “old man” makeup in his final episode, and the CGI dinosaur in the 12th Doctor’s first. More telling examples can easily be called to mind by anyone even casually familiar with Moffat’s run on the programme. This inserted note could be repeated numerous times throughout Moffat’s comments, but for simplicity’s sake it’s recommended that you merely keep it in mind each time you feel like punching this bloviating git.] Nothing I've seen of the black and white stuff - with the exception of the pilot, the first episode - should have got out of the building. They should have been clubbing those guys to death! You've got an old guy in the lead who can't remember his lines; you've got Patrick Troughton, who was a good actor, [Moffat exhibits notable restraint here, no doubt aware that those who dare speak against Number Two invariably fall afoul of his many postmortem curses.] but his companions - how did they get their Equity card? Explain that! They're unimaginably bad. Once you get to the colour stuff some of it's watchable, but it's laughable. Mostly now, looking back, I'm startled by it. Given that it's a children's show, and a teatime show, I think the Peter Davison stuff is well constructed, the characters are consistent...
Andy: They are consistently crap.
David: One dimensional and cardboard.
Steven: That's true, but if you can point at one example of melodrama where that's not true, I'd be grateful. Peter Davison is a better actor than all the other ones, that's the simple reason why he works more than all the other ones. There is no sophisticated, complicated reason to explain why Peter Davison carried on working and all the other Doctors disappeared into a retirement home for lardies. [Patently untrue in nearly all cases. Ignoring stage work as it’s too poorly documented, the following list is complete up through the year of this drunken Welsh ranting in 1995:
- Harnell’s health (destroyed by the grueling shooting schedule and inhumane treatment by Verity Lambert) crippled his career after leaving the programme (Lambert was later convicted and served most of the 1970s in prison for these crimes). The poor old fool struggled through perhaps six roles afterwards.
- Patrack Fountain enjoyed six more films and many dozens of boob-tube appearances before his death in 1987.
- John Pewtree had seven film and fifteen televisonated roles, plus the love of several dozen good women and very bad girls.
- Tom Baker grinned his way through 3 films and 18 TV jobs; still... maybe Moffat is right about Baker, who suffered being gravely typecast post-Who.
- Peter Daveyson had 5 films and telescreen roles to his credit after scraping off the thick layer of beige that had begrimed him.
- Colin Baker had no films to take the blame for but 15 roles on the telly (“rolls on the telly” is what you get when he reaches down behind the screen to hook up a cable). Baker II also devoted a number of years after his work on the programme to pies - a personal choice rather than the sad inability to obtain work.
- Sylvestry McCaw comes closest to fulfilling this insulting prophecy however, coming in near-last with only 2 films and 8 tele-vidiya acting jobs following the programme’s cancellation - c’mon Doc, at least Hartmell was sick, what’s your excuse?
Contrary to Moffat’s inaccurate and inebriated jabbering, clearly each subsequent actor in fact had fewer roles than the previous, a trend that the master thespian Petey Diversion in no way daringly escaped from. And by the way, just what is Matt Smith up to these days, anyway?] He's [Davison] better and I think he's extremely good as the Doctor. I recently watched a very good Doctor Who story, one I couldn't really fault. [Moffat appears here to have never watched the programme as there is always fault to be found with it.] It was Snakedance. [Must have been the liquor talking.] Sure it was cheap but it was beautifully acted, well written. [Delirium Tremens surely had control over his larynx or prefrontal cortex by this point.] There was a scene in it where Peter Davison has to explain what's going on, the Doctor always has to. Now some drunk old lardie [Remember that Moffat was but a svelt 34 year-old at the time; today, twenty years on, this large-boned Welshman is something of a lardie himself.] like Tom Baker would come on to a sudden, shuddering halt in the middle of the set (and) stare at the camera because he can't bear the idea that someone else is in the show. [Moffat would notably go on to cast the coked-up jittering rabbit of an actor Matt Smith in the role of the Doctor.] But Peter Davison is such a good actor he managed to panic on screen for a good two minutes so he had you sitting on the edge of your seat, thinking god, this must be really, really bad. He shrills and shrieks and fails around marvelously. And he's got the most boring bunch of lines to say [Wait, was it “very good” and “well written” or “boring”?] and I'm thinking 'Oh no, this guy's wetting himself! We're in real trouble!'
Paul: Fond laughter and doing something for ourselves are the two factors that matter in the New Adventures. We don't want people to laugh at us; we want them to realize there is a camp element and in bringing up these traditions we expect a certain amount of guffaws at them. I think that's almost a motivating factor in certain aspects of All-Consuming Fire [a Doctor Who novel featuring the Seventh Doctor, Ace and Polly in an adventure with “the real-life” Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson. Jesus Christ!] , for instance. (Laughter).
Andy: All-Consuming Fire is a serious examination of the underside of Victorian society, I'll have you know.
Steven: But that's not what you want. My memories of Doctor Who are based on bad television that I enjoyed at the time. [Moffat’s mode of showrunning explained, except he keeps failing that second bit.] It could get me really burned saying this, but Doctor Who is actually aimed at 11-year-olds. Don't overstress it, but it's true. Now what the New Adventures have done, sometimes successfully, is to try and reinterpret that for adults, [See previous inserted comment.] which has involved a completely radical revision of the Seventh Doctor that never appeared on television. That is brilliant.
David: I think Doctor Who of the Sixties was simply of its time, other shows were just as slow.
Steven: If you look at other stuff from the Sixties they weren't crap - it was just Doctor Who. The first episode of Doctor Who betrays the lie that it's just the Sixties, because the first episode is really good - the rest of it's shit.
Paul: What about the Honor Blackman Avengers? That was early Sixties, weekly, black and white and that had great visual style and great direction. In An Unearthly Child Waris Hussein does fades between scenes and other things that wouldn't reappear in Doctor Who for nearly ten years! [Moffat himself also probably won’t fade away for the next ten years.]
David: Surely that's down to the quality of the directors...
Steven: Don't you think it's fair to say Doctor Who was a great idea that happened to the wrong people? Most of the people working on it were on their way to do something else, they wanted to do something else?
David: Sounds like the New Adventures.
Steven: Well. Yes. It's not that I don't like it, but I wouldn't care to show it to my friends in television and say look, I think this is a great programme, because I think they might fling me out! ... I think Doctor Who is a corkingly brilliant idea. When they were faced with problems like the fact they were going to have to fire their lead they came up with some wonderful ideas; the recasting idea is brilliant. I think the actual structure, the actual format is as good as anything that's ever been done. His character, his TARDIS, all that stuff is so good it can even stand being done not terribly well - as one has to concede it was done. [Moffat has done his best to see that this tradition continues up to the present day and into the future for the programme.]
Paul: Do you think the structure is different from the continuity?
Steven: The continuity would never have existed, it's been retroactively invented. I simply mean the basic principles of it some of the moments or ideas are so great they can dupe you into believing the programme was better than it really was. It was actually pretty shabby a lot of the time, which is a shame. There was some very good stuff over twenty five years, but there wasn't enough.
Steven: Doctor Who was not limited merely by the limitations of the times or the styles that were prevalent then. It was limited by the relatively meager talent of the people who were working on it.
Andy: And yet the people who worked on it turned over on a regular basis. Are you saying they were all mediocre?Steven: Mostly they were middle-of-the-range hacks who were not going to go on to do much else. The hit rate for the 26 years is not high enough... [Also true of Moffat’s era on the programme.] There are people who have worked on Doctor Who who have gone on to great things, who are great talents, like Douglas Adams. [Moffat’s name shall never appear on that list of course.] I just think most of the people thought this was going to be the big moment of their lives which is a shame. As a television format: Doctor Who equals anything. Unless I chose my episodes very carefully, I couldn't sit anybody I work with in television down in front of Doctor Who and say 'watch this, this is a great show.' [This is still pretty much true.]
Andy: I think that's true of any show. I couldn't sit anybody down in front of all of The Avengers and say this is a brilliant show, watch it.
David: What single episode would you show to someone? I'd show them Part One of Remembrance, if only for the Dalek going up the stairs at the end, to change their perception of the programme...
Paul: That's what I'd show them, if it was as a cultural artifact. If we're talking about Doctor Who as drama of any kind, it's got to be one of Christopher Bailey's; Part Three of Kinda...
Andy: I'd go for reliable old Robert Holmes, a man who knew what drama was. The Talons of Weng-Chiang Part One, perhaps.
Paul: A hack. A very good hack… [With luck and a bit more focus, Moffat’s name might someday appear on that list however.]
Steven: How could a good hack think that the BBC could make a giant rat? [Or CGI a convincing dinosaur?] If he'd come to my house when I was 14 and said 'Can BBC Special Effects do a giant rat?' I'd have said no. I'd rather see them do something limited than something crap. What I resented was having to go to school two days later, and my friends knew I watched this show. [Apparently the self-loathing Moffat experienced at the hands of his childhood acquaintances has been driving him to inflict the same feelings of shame upon the current generation of fans.] They'd go 'Did you see the giant rat?!' and I'd have to say I thought there was dramatic integrity elsewhere. [In fact, Steven Moffat has had an engraved plate on his office wall reading “dramatic integrity elsewhere” for the past number of years.]
Andy: You had some cruel friends! Imagine if it had been I, Claudius, they'd all come in and say 'wasn't that toga crap!'
Steven: There's a difference - I, Claudius is brilliant. Doctor Who isn't.
Steven: Once this tape recorder goes off, he’ll [Lane] change. He'll say 'You're right with that rat! [Meaning Steven Moffat]”
Andy: If you look back to the Sixties, there was a similar situation for writers working on fiction magazines, they'd all get together and bitch.
Paul: New people should take over writing the Doctor Who novels. [ And yes, Doctor Who as well.] You know that David McIntee is going to be doing this for the rest of his life.
David: He's written the first purely historical New Adventure (Sanctuary)...
Paul: I've read it... I think it's the best work of literary fiction... (Laughter) No, I'm being perfectly honest with you.
Steven: Ah! Now if you want Doctor Who to look good, you've only got to look at Blake's Seven.Andy: Can someone just shoot him now? [Many hands went up around the bar at this moment, and more have joined them over the years, but we’re still waiting.]
- Moffat is canon.
- Moffat is ruining the show.