|“||I'm the bloody Queen, mate. Basically, I rule.||”|
— Elizabeth the Tenth
The Queen is the monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. She wields supreme authority over all subjects under her sovereignty, she is commander in chief of all armed forces in the commonwealth, she is governor of all territories held by the British Empire, and she is the number one fan of Doctor Who in the world.
Britain has had a queen ever since it was founded by Queen Boadicea in the 60's. Queen Hot Bod rebelled against Roman rule and established an empire that would swiftly come to dominate the planet. To this day, the sun does not set on Queen Bod's empire.
Notable Queens include:Edit
- Amelia I, wife of Henry VIII, and step-mother of Elizabeth I. Amelia I's numerous campaign promises resulted in few actual reforms, though she did lead to a surge in technological development due to her roman concubine Roranicus Pondicus leaving a cell phone charger in the bathroom. Notably, this also makes Amy the Doctor's mother-in-law twice. Double wincest!
- Elizabeth I, the "Technically Virgin" Queen. Wife of Sir Doctor of TARDIS X. While helping the Doctor combat a Zygon invasion, Betsy One the Virgin Queen got herself deflowered in a hideous fourgy involving a face-changing alien time traveler, a shapeshifting alien duplicate of herself, and a horse. She got hitched to the Doc, but he ran out on her, leaving her to raise their child on her own. 100% true fact: the actress was nursing her actual baby on set between takes, hence how she filled out that corset so well. After growing old and bitter, Betsy One went to see some Shakespeare to cheer herself up one day, only to discover the Doctor having an intensely homoerotic conversation with the Bard. She ordered his execution, but the Doctor escaped, and continues to walk the streets as a free man to this day, seemingly immune to prosecution. During her lifetime, Elizabeth I objected to all the black people living in England and wanted to do something about it, but was unable to affect any lasting change.
- Victoria I, wife of Prince Albert the body mod artist. Vicky was not amused by Rose Tyler's chavvy charms and exiled her and the Doctor from Britain until the end of time. In order to respond to the existential threat the Doctor represented to the British Empire, Vicky created the Torchwood Institute, resulting in a disastrous four season spinoff of Doctor Who. ITV later forced her to regenerate. She spent an episode wondering why she'd chosen the face of Clala until she remembered "Fuck Rose, that's why."
- Elizabeth II, the Mad Old Queen. Betsy Two was coronated by the alien known as the Wire (which everybody tells me I should see), which intended to use her to eat the souls of all British people. Little did the Wire know that the second Betty was even madder and more brutal than the first, hiring an intergalactic assassination codename "the Doctor" to dispose of it and tape it over with some shitty 80s soap opera by Jonathan Nathan Turner. Later, from her perspective, Eliza Twoshku met a younger Doctor who insisted he owned her castle, and she had her guards dispose of him, resulting in the cancellation of the series. Feeling guilty for the death of Doctor Who, Queen E-2 denied Michael Grade the knighthood all BBC controllers earn (100% true fact) and ordered a gay, coke-addled welshman to bring Doctor Who back for her. In her honor, noted Republican (the British kind, not the American kind) Russell "The" Davies wrote an episode where her and her family climbed up on the roof of Buckingham Palace and tried to jump off, an episode where it turns out she and her family are all murderous werewolves, an episode where the Titanic almost crashed into her house, an episode where the Titanic actually crashed into her house, and an episode where Wilf had a stroke while watching her christmas day speech. Netflix later revealed that she was married to German Matt Smith.
- Elizabeth X, the Bloody Queen, Mate. Liz Ten was a gunslinging vigilante who dressed like V and talked about the Starship UK ("My Country") like she was a Frank Miller character. She spent 200 years allowing herself to get caught up in a cycle of being in a huff about what "my country" was doing, investigating it, discovering the awful truth, and then erasing her own memory so she could do it all again. Later, she engaged in a sexual relationship with River Song, the two of them scissoring over a copy of Vincent Van Gogh's celebrated work "The Pandorica Opens". Further 100% true fact, Liz Ten is played by Sophie Okonedo, the first Oscar nominated companion (she was Allison Cheney, the Shalka Doctor's companion).
Rights and ResponsibilitiesEdit
The monarch of the United Queendom pays no taxes, requires no passport, pays no license fee, needs no drivers' license, and gets to live rent free in a menagerie of palaces. In return, the monarch must give presents to all members of the military for christmas, has to pretend to be interested when politicians are talking, must decide the fate of the captured star whale Britain has been torturing since the 1960s, has to give a christmas speech every year, and must knight every controller of the BBC, with the aforementioned exception of Michael Grade. Furthermore, it is the Queen's duty to lead the Empire into battle with foreign foes such as Zygons, Spaniards, and Americans.