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Torchwood

Outside the mainstream, beyond shitty.

Torchwood Guide

Some based anon made a guide.

Gwen

The things I would do to this girl

Anagram

Horey shet it's an anagram.

Touchwood: Mystery STDs Inc. was an "adult" (read: edgy tryhard) programme spun off from Doctor Who starring Captain Jack Harkness. It was mostly gay and renown for being one of the only shows on television worse than Doctor Who.

How to make Adult TelevisonEdit

  • Shoehorn swearing
  • Shoehorn gore
  • Shoehorn sex
  • Enjoy your shitty spin off fuckface

SeriesEdit

Series 1

Episode Writer Synopsis
Everything Changes Russell T Davies Gwen shows up. We find out Captain Jack can't die. Oh yeah, that Dornish woman from Game of Thrones was the bad guy all this time.
Day One Chris Chibnall That episode of Angel where the parasitic demon survives via orgasm. Literally the exact same episode.
Ghost Machine Helen Raynor Gwen sees dead people.
Cyberwoman Chris Chibnall Everything you need to know about the Chibnall Era.
Small Worlds PJ Hammond Sapphire & Steel if that show had an actual budget. They didn't have a budget to show gore, so one guy dies by throwing up a bunch of chewed up red gummy bears.
Countrycide Chris Chibnall Oh, it was just cannibals.
Greeks Bearing Gifts Toby Whithouse That episode of Buffy where Buffy gets telepathy and has to stop a mass killing before it goes too far, except she has sex with an alien this time. Then that same alien showed up in Sarah Jane Adventures, which must have confused some parents.
They Keep Killing Suzie Paul Tomalin & Dan McCulloch Suzie dies. First unironically good episode of the season.
Random Shoes Jacquetta May If Love and Monsters was boring.
Out of Time Catherine Treganna Three people from the 1950s shows up in the far future of 2006. Owen fucks one of them. Gwen almost fucks one of them. Then the other one kills himself because he can't handle all this degeneracy.
Combat Mickey Smith The Torchwood Christmas Special. Proof that Noel Clarke isn't the next Ian Marter.
Captain Jack Harkness Catherine Treganna It turns out Jack isn't Jack, and he stole the name from some guy he kissed. And this old guy who looks a little like William Hartnell fucks with everyone.
End of Days Chris Chibnall So it turns out the Beast from The Satan Pit had a son, except he's blue and made of shittier CGI. Everyone who touches his shadow dies, but then Jack kills him by giving him too many deaths to swallow? Oh well, this leads straight into Utopia.

Series 2

Episode Writer Synopsis
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang Chris Chibnall They kill a crackhead blowfish in the opening. And then Spike from Buffy shows up and proclaims that he wants to fuck a poodle.
Sleeper James Moran It's a "Torchwood wants to show an alien invasion but only has enough budget to make people's arms look alien" episode.
To the Last Man Helen Raynor Tosh wants to fuck this World War I guy, I guess. Seriously, who let Helen Raynor write episodes?
Meat Catherine Treganna It's what's for dinner. Jack likes to beat his. And there's PS2-era CGI.
Adam Catherine Treganna That episode of Buffy where Jonathan retcons himself to be the star of the show.
Reset JC Wilsher Martha's crooked teeth become a bad omen for Owen.
Dead Man Walking Matt Jones The gang suddenly miss Owen, so they turn him into a zombie.
A Day in the Death Joseph Lidster The son of a bitch from Paradise Towers shows up. And Owen critiques Ianto's taste in children's Belgian comics.
Something Borrowed Phil Ford Gwen chooses flab over fab.
From Out of the Rain PJ Hammond Davros becomes a carny. And Jack was one too. Honestly should be weirder than it actually was. Disappointing, really.
Adrift Chris Chibnall One of those edgy Torchwood episodes where Gwen realizes she should let some missing children stay missing.
Fragments Chris Chibnall Lolol, the Brigadier has been shoving innocent people into prison camps all this time!
Exit Wounds Chris Chibnall Best character dies. Spike comes back because James Marsters is lonely.

Children of Earth

Episode Writer Synopsis
Day One Russell T Davies Penis looking aliens show up because they want to snort children. And the base gets blown up, so say good bye to all those lingering plot threads from the past two seasons.
Day Two John Fay More Jack gore? I don't remember this one.
Day Three Russell T Davies and James Moran The Prime Minister and Nicholas Briggs decide to sacrifice the retarded children to become space cocaine.
Day Four John Fay The origin of that Ianto Shrine in Wales.
Day Five Russell T Davies John Frobisher was a good man. And good men shoot their families before going into space with pancakes.

Miracle Day

...yeah, someone else do that. Really, just pretend this doesn't exist and go from Children of Earth straight to the audios. You only think I'm joking. Also eyeball porn, and live human ashes.

Characters of Torchwood Edit

Similarities to Angel Edit

Russell T Davies has always been an unashamed fan of Joss Whedon, citing Buffy as a major influence on his run of the series. With Torchwood however, he decided to go from influence to straight-up ripoff, as both shows have:

  • An unnaturally long-lived protagonist who wears a long coat and has a death wish.
  • A highly rotating cast that changes from season to season.
  • A second episode that involves a paranormal creature who digs into human hosts and feeds off of the power of orgasms, at the cost of human lives.
  • A decoy character that the audience is led to think will be a main character, only to die very early on.
  • A main character dies and gets revived, only to be so shaken by the events that they have become a very different character altogether.
  • James Marsters as a cockney morally gray asshole with a strange, occasionally homosexual, relationship with the main lead.
  • Main lead becomes head of a shadowy organization with the aim to reform it from the inside out.
  • Main lead has a volatile relationship with their offspring
  • An African-American man in the last season who gets the same powers as the main lead.
  • Jane Espenson writes an episode
  • Main lead's problems are stemmed from a blonde teenage girl in the series their show spun-off from.

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