|“||Bill, if you don't get this line right on the first take, I will literally pull your old withered head off and shove my hand up your neck hole and work your goddamn mouth like a puppet. Do you think I can't? Come on, bitch, arm-wrestle, right here on the TARDIS console, either arm baby-man, let's go.||”|
— Verity Lambert, overseeing production on An Unearthly Child
Verity Lambert was a humanoid typhoon who carved Doctor Who by hand out of a single piece of solid marble over the course of a weekend.
Powers and abilitiesEdit
Verify Lamb-to-the-Slaughter once took control of a live episode of a program when the actor playing the main character died of a heart attack between scenes. It's not currently known if she killed the actor with the power of her mind, or if he simply died out of sheer intimidation.
Noted Canadian Sydney Poitier sought her out for her legendarily hearty circulatory system, known in the medical community for its ability to maintain high levels of urine and acetic acid even in her delicate capillaries at all times. He believed this quality would allow her to oversee the production of an educational science program without allowing anything silly like bug eyed monsters to get into the show and ruin everything he was working for.
Not only did she force Sydney to allow the buggiest eyed of monsters into the program, she also got him to pre-empt news coverage of the shocking and horrifying death of president John F. Kennedy (an event she maintains she was not in the United States at the time for) in order to run the first episode, An Unearthly Child, over and over and over again. This was wise, as it was the only good episode of
the serial first season first Doctor first 26 years first 50 years of the program.
After rocketing the show to popularity, Verity jumped ship to better things. She remained a mainstay in British television for years to come, until she was finally horribly and brutally killed in 2007 by how bad Last of the Time Lords was. On hearing of her passing, then current showruiner Russell: The Davenings said "I'm sure she's out there among the stars, somewhere, wishing she could strangle me again and finish the job this time", while future showruiner Steven Moffat was quoted in the Guardian as saying "She was finally erased from Doctor Who".
Noted cosplayer Mark Gatiss went on the record as saying "I'd like to share my thoughts about Verity with you, but I think you'll be better served by seeing it in long form in my upcoming docudrama An Adventure In Space And Time starring that cute psychic girl that looks like Linetrap." After facing constant ridicule in the tabloids for his crass and opportunistic comments, Gatiss later issued a statement to the press serving as an apology and correction: "Fine, fine, Bailey Jay, whatever you wanna call her."
It remains unclear to this day just how fond she was of pegging, though experts suggest it could have been the only pleasure that could get her through the working day.